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Fingertaze (a classic AIdvertisement from the Interplanetary Age)


It's a sad fact: the world today is a much more dangerous place than it was 30, 20, even ten years ago. Is all the buzz of murders and rapes happening in *your* town keeping you home at night? Do you fear for your life every time you step outside to walk the dog?

WELL FEAR NO MORE!

From the Zap-U-Tek line of personal defense products comes THE FINGERTAZE 5000! Worn on the tip of the index finger, the FingerTaze comes in eight trendy colors. Shoe-sole attachments use the daily activity of your body to ensure that the FingerTaze's capacitors are kept topped-off at 100% charged, so you don't have to worry about recharging or replacing batteries. You can be sure you'll never "come up dead" at an inopportune moment.

An inconspicuous set of patented Conductotron wires -- flexible, extensible and best of all cleanly adhesive to most types of clothing -- keep the FingerTaze charged and ready, without impeding your active lifestyle. And with the slightest touch, the FingerTaze can deliver a jolt big enough to knock down even the most persistent would-be assailants.

So, the next time you've got street-skulking riff-raff barking at your heels, don't take their crap -- give them THE FINGER!




Ad Drugs
Image from Bernd Helfert
More AIdverts
Don't let fashion pass you by!
Only the latest trends in nanocouture!
Not the last trends, like those semi-permanent
nanochains-to-yesterday's fashion...

NuvoNanoWear - Wear What's New!


Darwin Biotopics - genmods for every evolutionary eventuality


Not Enuff Head Space? - try our Dick Head - You'll be glad you did!


Play Amalgamation Warz - 1023 frantastic player levels


Who knows what Baseline Bob is thinking? tELEeMPATHY KNOWS!


Don't bucket your brand
Image from Anders Sandberg
Feelan Jhas - She's coming to an Orbital near you.


Pamper yourself - Sensuskin from Lorono


The RemCo Autonomic AI Prevention Unit - your defense against an intelligent offense! No matter your method of interface with your equipment, a simple fully-autonomic reflex releases the AAPU to disconnect the computer, allowing your cerebrum and/or chipset to recover from an AI's initial birth-pains and potential tantrums or assaults...

(It's a dead-man's switch controlling a guillotine. You relax your thumb (or other digitoid physical structure), it quite literally kills power to the computer. No guarantee for heavily modified borgs or bots or those with non-humanoid reflex patterning.)


A typical sapient-grade sophont accident.

On receiving a package our friendly baseline reaches into his pocket for his "zipper." Several holographic pop-up windows appear in front of his face advertising, well he's not sure mostly they just say "Click here, you may be a winner." He pulls the zipper out and notices that while distracted the monomolecular blade must have sliced off the tip of his finger. Unfortunately his little blood sensor blocked the pain receptors, and his super immune system closed up the wound in a couple seconds.

"S.O.B.!" our essential baseline exclaims.

that will teach you to live in the NoCoZo without

IntelliSpamWall

Get IntelliSpamWall - you have a dedicated superturing-slaved ai giving multi-broadband protection against ALL spambots, VIRmadverts, wetware intrusion programs, and ai viruses of less than SI:1, and 58% [scientific simulations show!] against SI:<2

IntelliSpamWall - Only from Mitnik Utilities.


Lutricia adbanner
Image from Anders Sandberg
Diamond minds are forever - Applied Archilectronics


The Power to Be Your Best - Ascendics


It cleans your mind while it cleans your code - Murmolyss Vec Optimizing Decompiler


Extinction is not forever: reconstruct your lost ones at Taua Rethreading


Once you pop you can't stop - Multiple transcension sale at Barboro TranLoMi!


A mind is a terrible thing to waste: sell your unused mental capacity to Daryx Distributed Computing Services instead of heating the building with it.


Tired of being always labelled macho? Your friends calling you a butch? Try our Genderways Clinic. not only do we help you with every stage of crossgenderisation, but we include those all gender-specific, behavioural imprintings the cheaper stores leave out. Genderways. Because switching sex is more than just chromosone retroengineering


Vincenti adbanner
Image from Anders Sandberg
Psyber Retrievals, Inc - "Let us remember it for you!" - has announced a 5% reduction in price on their top-of-the-line mnemetic storage unit. Finally, a 3-century storage device for less than 1 million units!


Deadmansgrip Services: we store copies of your mindstate in secure locations (now more than 435 locations in the Inner Sphere), cryptographically secured. If you die, we will revive a legal copy of you within 24 hours. Get a grip - Deadmansgrip!


Backup Backup: The traditional backup parlor in historical downtown Backup, Nova.


Let's not forget cryoinvesting: freeze yourself and let your capital grow.


Become immortal the true way: be remembered by Mnemosyne Inc's dedicated memorial god.


So, you want to debate about uploading? Why not join the IdentForum and debate with the elite?


So, you don't know if you believe in pattern identity, body identity, identity space conforms or social identity management? Why not take our handy test to find out? We have immortality counselors for all philosophies!


Perplextar
Image from Steve Bowers
Why limit yourself? Let US unleash YOUR potential. Their tests are outdated and antiquated. Our Megacorp is on the cutting edge.
Remember, don't test - Go with the best!


So that YOU can be YOUR best!!
Don't just be your best. Be immortal!


I-Mortality: because eternity is a very, very long time!


Olrondo Uploads: crisp scanning, clear skies and a sporting spa!


Afraid of loosing yourself? Afraid of scanning glitches? Want full reversibility? Then let our Conanu (TM) swarm replace your neurons one at a time with our new N-Load technocytes. Security, stability and a true upgrade path.


Shackleton Crater: the only place where you can be frozen with 100% natural solar system cold right next to sacred Gaia.


That frosty mind sensation - Moravec Microtronics


Acer is the place for the helpful mindmerge ai. - Acer Mental Merge


Babel Neurotech advert
Image from Anders Sandberg
You're in good hands with SolidState - SolidState Mindstate Storage


Don't leave home without it - VHG emergency upload implants


Aparently, not only are you a copy, you're a copy with a bad memory. Fortunately for you, the Sandberg Corporation can recycle you.

Our newest memory recycling comes with a free 50 year past - now you can decide on any exciting life story leading up to your current state for the same price as an ordinary memory refresh!


Feel that others do not pay you what you are worth? Travel to NoCoZo, where they actually do pay what your services are worth!


"SensuMeal - the virch alternative to all that infested, nano-bearing hard food. Guaranteed to be the best eating sensations you've experienced - or your money back!"


DataOverload, inc, will offer you access to a datastream guaranteed to exceed your input capacity and thereby generate a pleasant bloated feeling.

(and in very small print - "warning - DO, Inc does not take responsibility for the sapient's protection from bus overflow, storage bloat, bus backflow, or any other problem resulting from its services.")


Flaming Baryons
Image from Steve Bowers
"Wirehead Inc now announces NEW SERVICES available to the discerning consumer with a biological brain! Not only does it still provide the premium pleasure-center stimulus you've come to know and love, now it offers Satiate! Satiate is a direct result of Wirehead Inc.'s agressive research department, and offers the heavily cyborged being that wonderful feeling of a full stomach - without those messy biological problems! With a minor nanite injection, we stimulate the midbrain to let you feel that warm, satisfied feeling..."

(Of course, they don't advertise it, but they offer the same service to anyone with a bio-brain. Great for those runway models, ascetic guru's who're more interested in income than enlightenment, subsistance farmers, and the like.)


Uber-Maus vs. replication technologies - The old earth mouse rodent was said to be able to get it's body through any hole it could get it's head through, similarly the cephalopod "octopus" could squease into any opening through which it's hard mouthparts could fit.

In a similar vein Warships Unlimited (a derivative set of serephs of the Atrax SI:>3 entity) is offering it's Uber-Maus series of ships. These are warships with nano and other clarchtech modifications which allow them a dynamic frame able to fit through wormholes as small as 10 verdian meters across (check your local metric equivelants, old terran systems are still in use in some areas). Ships designs less than 1 km in length can even fit through 1 meter cross section wormholes, and our "pocket cruiser" class (which lacks certain clarktech drive amenities) is maliable through even 1 cm openings.

But perhaps you are worried about mass imbalance on one side or the other of their wormhole nexus, afraid your wormhole will take on some unwanted momentum from all that matter passing through it. Mayhaps your wormhole is too small for even our pocket cruiser. Well, we have a solution for even you:

Our replication starship kits are heavily used by the Laughter Hegemony and many po organizations throughout NoCoZo. We're currently offering a wide variety of hi-tech or ultratech drones which can be injected easily through wormhole termini between .45 um and .1 um in diameter (depending on tech level required and price range). Blueprints for a wide variety of our best warships can be transmitted to these drones which then assemble the ship from matter available at the destination. Larger drones can even carry a full set of compressed blueprints (along with a pre-set social, economic, or military itinerary) with them in case of communications cut-off.

Supplies are unlimited, but this is a Beat-the-Joneses opportunity. As you know: Escalation only goes up, up, up. And e who fires the first shot always wins!


Uncle Vern et al would like to bring to your attention the latest in personal weaponry for baseline human stock. This is by no means a complete listing, merely some of the more intriguing personal low- threat models offered by various consortiums, companies, and other entities.

The "Hell Toupee" is a hairpiece once meant to mask the loss of hair once associated with male baseline age-related degredation. It sits atop the head and anchors itself with microtubule 'feet'. When the wearer is threatened, its true nature becomes evident. The "Hell Toupee" quite literally leaps into action, expanding radically to act as a microtubule net encapsulating a threat its processors detect or on codeword designation by its wearer. Microtubules are small and strong enough that any significant struggle by the encapsulated being will cause minor abrasions almost instantly, potentially even serious lacerations with excessive escape attempts. The venomous Hell Toupee, available at additional cost, may also attempt to inject the toxin of choice, although a broad-spectral soporific is highly recommended by the manufacturers.

As a benefit, it is available in many different colors and styles to most closely match the surviving hair of a baseline without standard anti-aging treatments...

Who Knows what Baseline Bob is thinking?
Image from Steve Bowers
 
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Appears in Topics
 
Development Notes
Text by David Jackson, Anders Sandberg, John B, Peter Kisner, M. Alan Kazlev , and Steve Bowers

Initially published on 20 January 2002.

Most recent addition 10 October 2008
 
 
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