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Glarion The Glorious Conqueror 'Movie'
Poster for Glarion
The Glorious Conqueror, (10339 AT) |
Glarion the
Glorious Conqueror (10339 AT) is, without doubt, the most widely known
motion picture in the history of Tylansian entertainment.
Indeed, millions of nearbaseline humans, splices, rianths and provolves
throughout the Sephirotics and surrounding polities - all dwelling in
ultratech civilizations vastly more advanced than Tylansia itself -
view this film religiously on a frequent basis at physical gatherings
or in virch spaces. Many of these fans dress up as heroes and
villains from the movie and quote (translated) lines (or, in the case
of virtuals, assume their appearance and behaviour
completely). The reasons for the popularity of this motion
picture are shockingly simple:
1: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a
perfect textbook example of the psychological and socio-political
landscape of Tylansia and similar middletech dictatorships.
2: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a
perfect textbook example of the type of blatant, unsubtle propaganda
used by Tylansia and similar middletech dictatorships.
3: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a
perfect textbook example of the utmost extremes of the
“Plucky Baseline Syndrome”.
4: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a
perfect textbook example of how ignorant and uneducated the majority of
Tylansians are regarding the true nature of the
“outside” galaxy, and how the Tylansian government,
ruling class and big business would take advantage of this for
political points and monetary gain.
5: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror
generally takes itself rather seriously; but to those living in more
advanced cultures, it is absolutely hilarious.
Among other things, Glarion is famous for its original promotional
poster, which depicts five mammal splices (or
“beast-heads” as they are known in Tylansia)
impaled bloodily upon a fighter plane’s long metal nose-pike,
which juts out from between the legs of the muscular baseline hero of
the title. Above Glarion, in the starlit sky, a fleet of
flying saucers hover menacingly, and a giant brain looms ominously in
the background.
Plot Synopsis:
On the planet Tylansia - where the sun shines in a clear sky and
everyone walks the streets hand-in-hand with a smile of radiant
happiness - the government is declaring war on the Sephirotic
Metaempire. The reasons for this war are not given (there is
mention of the “Sephirotic peoples” hedonistic
immorality and blasphemous worship of AI Gods, which the government
reassures do not exist). Nonetheless, the ultratech
“fans” watching this movie are supposed to whoop
and cheer at this declaration, for this is an imitation of what a
Tylansian audience does (without irony).
Hundreds of fusion missiles are launched into space (to the rousing
orchestral tunes of the Tylansian Planetary Anthem “Quail and
Tremble Before the Leader’s Mighty Manhood”), all
aimed at specific points throughout the Sephirotic
Metaempire. As fireballs light up the night sky and
Tylansians on the ground cheer and dance in celebration (while often
imitated and parodied by an ultratech audience), the viewer is expected
to believe that the chemically-propelled missiles have somehow
traversed thousands of light years in a matter of minutes, and
destroyed inhabited regions hundreds of light years across with each
fireball. Again, the propagandists behind this movie have
complete faith in the audience’s total lack of scientific and
astronomical education.
With the Sephirotic Menace vanquished and Tylansia in its rightful
place at the pinnacle of the universe, everything seems peaceful
… until a fleet of flying saucers appear in the sky, casting
their ominous shadows throughout the clean and pure cities of
Tylansia. The saucers land, the doors open, the ramps extend
to the ground, and walking down these ramps are the hideous forms
…
… of thousands of beast-heads!!!!
(At this point, the humans in the ultratech audience scream and flail
in mock panic while the non-humans imitate the sinister roars and
cackles of the onscreen beast-heads).
The Tylansians (in the movie) scream and scatter in sheer terror as the
beast-heads shoot (mysteriously slow) laser beams everywhere.
Innocent Tylansians drop dead in droves, while Tylansian children are
stuffed into cages and carried on the back of an unusually mangy,
ugly-looking Siberoo.
After a few minutes of loud, CGI-enhanced terror, the beast-heads
return to their flying saucers (complete with their livestock of
Tylansian children) and take off into outer space.
An alert is issued throughout Tylansia as news spreads about this
horrific, “unprovoked” attack. Squadrons
of fighter planes are deployed, led by the blond-haired, blue-eyed,
“V”-torsoed, bulging-crotched Captain Glarion, the
epitome of Tylansian manhood.
(The audience cheers and sings the Tylansian Planetary Anthem
“Quail and Tremble Before the Leader’s Mighty
Manhood”).
Glarion leads the obviously jet-propelled atmospheric aircraft into
outer space, where they encounter hundreds of Sephirotic beast-head
saucers. A huge and spectacular space battle ensues, with the
mighty Tylansian fighter planes destroying the enemy saucers one-by-one
with minimal casualties.
On board the beast-head mothership, some rather fierce-looking
felinoids are preparing a feast. In the corner of a huge,
dirty, industrial-tech kitchen is a wooden cage filled with terrified
Tylansian children. A tiger-headed chef (complete with white
apron and puffy hat) taunts and cackles at the children, sharpening his
instruments and saying what a lovely stew they would make.
(Here the audience boos and hisses, for this scene confirms Tylansian
suspicions that all beast-heads are evil barbarians and deserve to die).
“You’re not having supper tonight, bad
kitty,” says a mysterious voice offscreen. The
tiger-chef turns and gasps in horror as he faces Captain Glarion
standing heroically with his hands on his hips. Glarion then
knocks out the tiger-chef with one punch. He rampages
throughout the kitchen, defeating beast-heads much larger than he is
with his bare fists. An alarm is sounded, and two single-file
rows of beast-head soldiers march down the dining hall carrying large
rifles. Glarion jumps onto a chandelier and swings forward,
knocking down both rows of beast-heads as they fall like
dominoes. He kills a massively-built, mangy, table-throwing
Siberoo twice his height by punching its nose and sticking a dining
fork in its ear. He then frees the grateful children and
returns to his fighter plane.
(What happens to the children following their liberation is unclear,
and one of the film’s many plot-holes).
While only halfway back to Tylansia, Glarion receives an urgent radio
transmission from headquarters. Tylansian military
intelligence has detected something huge approaching
Tylansia. It seems that one of the archailects has survived
after all! It is identified as Damnos, Archailect of Death;
and the point-of-view cuts to a colossal form that resembles a human
brain the size of a planet.
While other fighter pilots mutter to each other in alarm, Glarion
decides to take the ultimate risk. His expression stern, his
heroic voice lowering an octave, he turns his plane around and heads
straight for the giant brain heading for his beloved planet
Tylansia. On his way to the ultimate enemy, Glarion receives
a mysterious transmission. Damnos the Archailect of Death is
speaking to him directly! The evil god’s voice is
deep and oily, and cackles with lofty contempt. It states
that Tylansia has proven to be a threat too great to ignore, and must
be removed from the universe so that a bold new archailect empire can
be established. Glarion states that “shall never be
so”, for Tylansians are the Supreme Culture of the entire
universe, and no giant brains - no matter how powerful or evil - shall
stand in their way.
As Glarion’s fighter screams through the vacuum towards the
Archailect of Death, his intentions suddenly become clear.
The Archailect has not anticipated this courageous human act of
self-sacrifice! In terror and despair, the Archailect cries:
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” before
Glarion ejects from the cockpit and the fighter plane crashes into the
giant brain, destroying it in a glorious fireball that is seen all the
way to Tylansia.
Glarion is then seen descending through the vacuum of space under a
giant parachute. His ever-grateful fellow pilots catch up
with him. In the next scene, he is paraded through the
streets of Tylansia’s capital as millions of adoring citizens
cheer him and sing his praises.
Cultural Response:
With Glarion the Glorious Conqueror, it is clear that Tylansia blew its
chance to be taken seriously by the rest of the galaxy as a cultural
force to be reckoned with. Instead, the overwhelming
silliness of this movie has provided a source of mirth and amusement
for sapients of thousands of clades throughout the Civilized Galaxy
