08-16-2014, 10:41 AM
(08-16-2014, 01:57 AM)Matterplay1 Wrote: I think we've pretty well nailed it with this version. You're quite right, we need a bit more carnival-barker and a bit less precis/prospectus. Alan was good at that kind of thing, and it's a great way of getting people into the tent to see the marvels and wonders. :-) I still don't like that 'and' at the beginning of the second-last sentence, but perhaps I'm being old-fashioned.
Anybody else? What are we missing or what should we drop, if anything?
I'm also not thrilled by the 'and' at the start of the sentence either (it makes my inner English Major twitch). After reading your post here and thinking about it a bit, the following possible tweak (in bold) came to mind.
Welcome to Orion's Arm, a scenario set thousands of years in the future when civilization spans the stars. Mindkind has spread across the galaxy, godlike ascended intelligences rule vast interstellar empires, and lesser factions seek to carve out their own dominions through intrigue and conquest. While out beyond the edge of civilized space and the human-friendly worlds, adventure awaits those prepared to risk all.
Come join us in this ever-expanding collective worldbuilding effort. Within the hard science fiction universe that is Orion's Arm you will find:
plausible technology
complex and developed cultures
a galaxy-spanning setting
10,000+ years of historical development
realistic exobiology
Tell me what you think.
Todd
