09-13-2018, 03:11 AM
Neat! 
This seems to fit into OA Canon well and I can also pick up the...emotive...elements that would make me feel like I could relate to this character and root for/sympathize with them - all within a pretty short span of text.
About the only two suggestions I might make (and neither is a dealbreaker if you'd rather not):
a) Perhaps don't have the message explicitly mention ascension - it's not clear how the AI would know that that term is used. Unless the ship has been monitoring comms traffic all this time and keeping up with the language changes and such that have been going on around it - which could work if it's explained later in the story. If it's not explained, then perhaps have this transmission basically describe a big change and elements of it such that your sephirotic characters know what is being talked about mention it in a discussion at some point early in the story.
b) Rather than specifying that the message is to the Solar Dominion, perhaps just have it broadcast out (or transmitted to a nearby star system) and have it happen to be that the system is a Dominion system or that a Solar Dominion ship is closest, or the like. So it becomes a matter of chance that the SD is the first to respond rather than due to a message sent directly to them. Again, the issue is how the ship would know (or consider it reasonably likely) that they are sending to the SD. Again, this can also be resolved if it is mentioned somewhere after this point that the ship has been monitoring comms over the course of its flight.
Ok, all I've got for now. Very much looking forward to reading more of this
Todd
This seems to fit into OA Canon well and I can also pick up the...emotive...elements that would make me feel like I could relate to this character and root for/sympathize with them - all within a pretty short span of text.
About the only two suggestions I might make (and neither is a dealbreaker if you'd rather not):
a) Perhaps don't have the message explicitly mention ascension - it's not clear how the AI would know that that term is used. Unless the ship has been monitoring comms traffic all this time and keeping up with the language changes and such that have been going on around it - which could work if it's explained later in the story. If it's not explained, then perhaps have this transmission basically describe a big change and elements of it such that your sephirotic characters know what is being talked about mention it in a discussion at some point early in the story.
b) Rather than specifying that the message is to the Solar Dominion, perhaps just have it broadcast out (or transmitted to a nearby star system) and have it happen to be that the system is a Dominion system or that a Solar Dominion ship is closest, or the like. So it becomes a matter of chance that the SD is the first to respond rather than due to a message sent directly to them. Again, the issue is how the ship would know (or consider it reasonably likely) that they are sending to the SD. Again, this can also be resolved if it is mentioned somewhere after this point that the ship has been monitoring comms over the course of its flight.
Ok, all I've got for now. Very much looking forward to reading more of this
Todd