08-15-2014, 11:12 AM
(08-15-2014, 04:56 AM)Matterplay1 Wrote: Thanks for this. I think it's a good suggestion to put the link to 'hard sf' in the general text rather than in the bulleted items. My folow-on thought is that with a link from the words to the 'hard science fiction' we won't be needing what was the first bullet. So, how about this? (By the way, I already edited out an unnecessary 'and' that was at the original when I did a first light edit of our existing front page.)
I've a bit of mixed feeling about the removal of the science bullet (trying to get our science right plays a big role in the project), although if we make a point of emphasizing the science aspect of the setting in the linked writeup, that concern may go away.
As far as the wording below - putting on my wordsmith hat, I'd like to offer some suggestions for adjustments...below, please see some comments and then a proposed revised version.
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Welcome to Orion's Arm, a scenario set thousands of years in the future when civilization spans the stars and humanity's descendants and creations have begun to colonize the galaxy.
I understand the feeling that this sentence needs a bit more - I was actually toying with adding back the line from the earlier version of the website about humanities descendents branching in myriad directions. However, I couldn't quite get it to 'flow' right and this has a similar issue. It doesn't really have the right smooth 'feel' IMHO. Perhaps we can come up with something that will both fill the gap and 'roll off the tongue'.
Re the mention of 'beginning to colonize the galaxy': Given that the Terragen colonization effort has been going on for nearly 10,000yrs and spans a significant chunk of the galaxy, I think saying that its just beginning sounds a bit odd and doesn't really fit the 'reality' we present in the setting.
In the Orion's arm setting, godlike ascended intelligences rule vast interstellar empires, lesser factions seek to carve out their own dominions through intrigue and conquest, and out beyond the edge of civilized space and the human-friendly worlds adventure awaits those prepared to risk all.
Given that we already name the setting in the first sentence, it feels redundant to name it a second time right here. It also sort of jarred me a little in that it moved from a sort of 'Coming soon to a theater near you!' mode to more of a 'Let us dryly explain to you what you will find in this place if you come in' mode. One is like a movie poster, the other is like a prospectus for real estate or something. At least to me
I actually think the original wording for this bit probably is fine as is, as it gets the point across pretty effectively. Oh, and the second sentence is really rather long...
Come join us in this ever-expanding collective worldbuilding effort. Within the hard science fiction universe that is Orion's Arm you will find:
- plausible technologies
- realistic cultural development
- a galaxy-spanning setting
- 10,000+ years of historical development
- realistic exobiology
This isn't anything to do with this latest version but rather something I noticed when putting together my initial revision proposal. We use 'reality', and 'realistic' multiple times in a short list of points. Does this feel a bit like overkill or us trying to hard to 'make the sale'? Or perhaps it just feels repetitive? Perhaps try to play with this aspect of things a bit.
With all that in mind, here's another proposed version:
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Welcome to Orion's Arm, a scenario set thousands of years in the future when civilization spans the stars. Mindkind has spread across the galaxy, godlike ascended intelligences rule vast interstellar empires, and lesser factions seek to carve out their own dominions through intrigue and conquest. And out beyond the edge of civilized space and the human-friendly worlds, adventure awaits those prepared to risk all.
Come join us in this ever-expanding collective worldbuilding effort. Within the hard science fiction universe that is Orion's Arm you will find:
plausible technology
complex and developed cultures
a galaxy-spanning setting
10,000+ years of historical development
realistic exobiology
Whatcha think?
Todd