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Stand at Carpo
#2
Overall it seems an interesting start Smile I haven't got time to go into a lot of detail now but one general point that was immediately obvious is that there's a lot of exposition in this. You cram in a lot of explanation about the ships, the situation, the moon etc. This feels awkward for two reasons: firstly it ruins the pace of the story and secondly when its being voiced by a character it doesn't always make sense. In the conference scene for example: why does one officer have to explain to another what ships are in their fleet? He should surely know that. Another issue along these lines is the excessive use of the word "and". When you look back through it would be good to ask yourself at each "and" if they are really needed. Like do you have to explain to your reader that a kinetic round is shot from a cannon and it flies at high speed? If you do then you should write it in more evocatively e.g:

The ship rumbled as kinetic slugs launched from the canons. "Time to impact forty seconds!" yelled the gunner. The bridge grew tense as all eyes fell on the holoscreen. The salvo seemed to crawl the distance between the two fleets, despite leaving the ship travelling at thousands of meters per second

Last piece of advice would be to focus more on at least one of the characters. At the moment the text is very detail heavy. If you characterise one of the crewmen more you can explain things through their experience, which should make it more engaging without loosing detail.
OA Wish list:
  1. DNI
  2. Internal medical system
  3. A dormbot, because domestic chores suck!
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Messages In This Thread
Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-10-2016, 02:52 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-10-2016, 05:30 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-10-2016, 09:33 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Dfleymmes1134 - 05-11-2016, 06:04 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-11-2016, 01:47 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-11-2016, 11:04 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-12-2016, 01:59 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 03:12 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 05:21 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 06:03 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-12-2016, 07:08 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 10:45 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 11:20 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 10:34 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-13-2016, 01:38 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-13-2016, 01:41 AM

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