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Stand at Carpo
#4
Good start.
Focus more on the characterization. Each character can describe the action in a slightly different way. Show. Don't tell. There's far too much exposition and the exposition that you have written is mostly dry.
I recommend doing several writing exercises to improve your writing in general before continuing.
Pick an author and try to copy their style. Pick a page from, say, Neuromancer by william gibson and try to write an alternate story/ scene following the same grammatical structure of the original sentences-
even better- choose something that definitely isn't science fiction, like the 'Invisible Man' by Ralph Ellison or "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne. This will help you understand how the masters construct sentences, paragraphs, or dialogue.

These examples may help too
http://io9.gizmodo.com/5481558/20-great-...ion-novels

Also, look up some synonyms to 'ask' and 'said'

other recommended books
The Rock Rats by Ben Bova (not a great example of writing, but the asteroid mining setting is good)
Expedition to Earth (short story collection) by Arthur C Clark
2312 by Kim Stanley Robinson
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Messages In This Thread
Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-10-2016, 02:52 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-10-2016, 05:30 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-10-2016, 09:33 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Dfleymmes1134 - 05-11-2016, 06:04 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-11-2016, 01:47 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-11-2016, 11:04 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-12-2016, 01:59 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 03:12 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 05:21 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 06:03 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Rynn - 05-12-2016, 07:08 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 10:45 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-12-2016, 11:20 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-12-2016, 10:34 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Drashner1 - 05-13-2016, 01:38 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo - by Ace009 - 05-13-2016, 01:41 AM

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