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Stand at Carpo (Revised)
#1
Hello, and finally, I am back. Sorry about the long absence, but I did sort of have Reddit and other things to worry about, especially AH.com. So, after a while, I FINALLY managed to get this thing edited, revised and there is a chance I might get it published for Analog Science Fiction and Fact. So, without further do, here is the revised version of Stand at Carpo.
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Stand at Carpo
By Future Historian/Ace009 and Thewolvesden

“Gentlemen, the situation’s started to become more desperate than it already was.” an old man in Ganyrstrovian, a dialect of Russian, said through the holoscreen. “The Gaians have already deployed reinforcements to assist their remaining troops in the Jovian system, and we’ve been suspecting of this for the past two months.”


“Agreed” spoke another, younger man in the operation centre. “And we have only confirmed it three days ago, when the task force began deceleration burn.”


“Any destinations that we’re looking at?”


“We’ve been able to accurately locate it within the past month, and they’re heading to reinforce Callisto. However, we do have a plan to intercept the hostile fleet and cripple or destroy it.”


“And what exactly is this ‘plan’?” The officer zoomed onto Jupiter and the board displayed a map of the Jovian system and pointed to a tiny moon called Carpo.


“See that tiny speck? Carpo, it’s called. That moon is where we’ll intercept and defeat the task force. A conventional Hohmann transfer isn’t an option, so we may have to do with a Brachistochrone Transfer. We can intercept them in about nine days.”


This better work. It has to. For Ganyrstrovia, and for the Solar System.


“Good. Any available task forces in the area?” the old man asked before him.


“We do have one, sir. It’s very small task force, but they’re one of the best. Task Force 12. It currently has six functioning SDVs, two of each type. This means drone carriers, SOVs and SDeVs.”


This better be worth it.


“I doubt that your plan could work, but I suppose we have no other option. Marshall Makhrov, I am authorising your plan, although I will mention that your plan is risky and dangerous. The probability of success might depend on twelve.”


“Thank you, Planetary Marshall. I’ll commence preparations effective immediately.” Marshall Makhrov replied calmly as the Planetary Marshall shut off his holoscreen.


***
The BKK Drakon Smerti, and 5 other spacecraft: the BKK Ognennyy Shar, the BKK Zhnets, the BKK Adskyi Ogoni, the BKK Sila Yupitera, and the BKK Ruka Svaroga, had already been en route to Carpo for over 4 days when the planning of the actual battle was being reviewed onboard the BKK Drakon Smerti.




The craft was massive, but tiny compared to even a small naval craft from Earth, with two habitat modules spinning around the craft. Each of the modules would rotate twice every minute, which would fold into the craft when it accelerates and with the spacecraft itself powered by a fusion reactor. The craft had a nuclear pulse inertial confinement fusion drive, a cluster of three nuclear thermal engines, and was equipped with several coilguns to strike a hostile craft on its horizontal and vertical sides, two for each side. It also had 4 primary radiators capable of being concealed in the battlefield. Between the engines and the reactor there was a Bubble Membrane Radiator, which was a spherical-like object that spun on itself as the craft moved and boiled liquid metal to radiate waste heat.


It was an example of a typical Glushko-class SOV from the early 24th Century, but this Glushko-class SOV had been manufactured with its internal systems upgraded to fit the technology of 2394, and with the replacement of outdated parts and pieces in the internal components of the craft.


Still, it was a very impressive SOV compared to the SDeVs and drone carriers, all retrofitted Heavy Planetary Transportation Vehicles or HPTVs for short, and the low gravity (by Earth standards) generated by the spin habitats was not a concern to its thirty-man crew, genetically engineered to the lower gravity of Ganymede, not even to Commander Yuri Mikhailovich Torapev.


Toparev was still sleeping in the Commander’s Quarters when Chief Exo Officer Voloshyn knocked on the door to wake him.


“Come in!” Toparev said as he woke up from his sleep, and in a rather grumpy tone in his voice. What now? I was dreaming of Natasha….


“Commander!” Voloshyn told the Commander hurriedly. “Lt. Marshall Guskov wants you in the CIC now.”


Toparev sighed for a moment. He spoke, still grumpy and with his eyes still barely open:


“What does he need now, Voloshyn?” This better be worth my time.


“Apparently, they’re getting ready for the conference, commander”


“I’ll be there.” He looked calmly at his uniform in the closet at the other side of the quarters.


Time to get back in, old friend.


He changed his clothing from his pyjamas to his uniform after Voloshyn left and went down to the CIC in HabModule 1, passing via the corridors of the spin habitat trying to get there.


Toparev arrived at the CIC with all of its personnel conducting all sorts of activities, from analysing trajectories, to checking radiator temperature, to communicating between other craft, even making managing the computers and making sure they provide a good firing solution when in combat. The other Commanders and the Lt. Marshall were all displayed in the holoscreen, opting to commence. Toparev stood before them, and greeted them with a military salute.


“Commanders.” spoke Guskov with an authoritarian, but respectful tone in his voice. “We have four hours and forty-eight minutes left before the Gaians can obtain a hard detect, so we’ve got that long to review our attack plan. They already made a soft detect over three days ago, and based on recent observations from our telescopes and sensor platforms, we suspect that they may already be preparing for our intercept. We have to conduct this while attempting to minimise casualties, and unleash as much damage as possible. So, gentlemen, it’s time to look at our options, in addition to Marshall Mahkrov’s original plan. What do we have?”


“At the moment” Cdr. Kalinin said “We have our usual formation of a balanced number of spacecraft for each Task Group, Constellation and Delta. However, that was when the Task Force was originally established prior to the Battle of Thebe. So, we have 1 spacecraft of each type for each Delta, sir. This gives us at least 3 options on how to conduct our manoeuvre.”


“And those are?”


“Our first option would be to launch the drones at a precise point along our approach before the battle, and when we engage, strike the Gaians from behind as we conduct a return trajectory to Ganymede, use the drones to inflict heavy casualties and then finish them off. “


Kalinin took a breath “The second one would be to fire our coilguns at a precise point similar to the first one and use the slugs as “mines” and then launch the drones around a similar precise point, and use them as an advance. This will limit their capability to manoeuvre and if the drones are lucky, will leave them in tatters.“


Toparev was getting bored by Kalinin’s tone.


Speak faster and get on with it.


“The third option would involve approaching from behind Carpo, as depicted in the first option, but the option is also a risky one. In the second option, depending on our distance, our computer systems may not give a firing solution in an efficient manner, and the drones may be stopped in their tracks by enemy SDeVs in most options. This last plan was the Marshall’s original plan, if I might remind you all.”


“So.” said Guskov. “I am looking at three options, all with a certain probability of failure. If we conduct the first two options, we get detected early, thus deviating ourselves from Makhrov’s plan. That means court martial and our executions. The third option may involve getting close, but the chances are, we may not survive.”


Time to make a choice, sir. Toparev shifted anxiously in his chair.


“So, it is either get detected early…”


“......Or attempt a suicide run.” Toparev spoke as he interrupted and finished his fellow officer’s statement.


“Yes” Kalinin said darkly. He is a sad man by nature, grim and melancholic, yet also having a very dark humour. He briefly nodded at Toparev, then continued in a more formal tone towards Guskov. “So, Lt. Marshall? Do we risk early detection in one of two ways or attempt a suicide run? Pick your poison.” The officers waited with disciplined patience as the old (by Ganymedean standards), but battle-hardened master tactician formulated his plan. A long silence followed suit.


“I have considered all the options”. He spoke after three minutes. “Despite the high risk, we will take the final option, but only because of four reasons: one, this mission needs to maintain the element of surprise until the last minute, two, our computer systems would have to be at the outer limits of our range to get a firing solution, three, this option gives room to improvise and four, none of us want to risk court martial.”


For once, Marshall, you are a genius, unlike our lovely Marshall Makhrov.


“Lt. Marshall” a concerned Cdr. Abdulov said, while maintaining a degree of respect. “I would advise against this decision. Since you mentioned at the beginning of this conference that you wanted ‘minimal casualties’, yet you accept a plan that could lead to a massacre for not only the Gaians, but to us as well. If this manoeuvre works or fails, it would reduce us to either 1 SDV or none at all, depending on success.”


Abdulov, could you not?! I swear that you’ll be shot out an airlock one day!


“Commander” he said in an attempt to counter his argument, with a base in superior combat experience as per the Battle of Thebe and the Siege of Pywill Crater. “With all due respect, it is either this or risk losing our drones to 4 SDeVs, and have the Gaians expecting an attack. It also has room to improve, as per Lt. Marshall Guskov’s mentioned reasons. So, I could support this, with a partial implementation of the second option in an optimistic scenario.”


The rest of the Commanders agreed, with the sole exception of Tomenko, who supported Abdulov’s argument, and the decision was made: the third option would be implemented, but in an optimistic scenario, the partial implementation of the second one would be conducted. Whether they lived or died was now up to them.


***
Lt. Cdr. Alexandra Solomon Reed was supervising one of the habitation modules onboard the UNSDV Beowulf, when she was called to the CIC while the rebel Task Force entered the identification phase. She rushed as fast as she could to HabModule 1, and to the CIC. Vice Marshall Ramirez and Cdr. Schneider were already waiting when Reed got there.


This better be good.


“Well, Marshall?” She said hurriedly. “It’s confirmed?”


“Yes. Turns out, it’s worse than we initially expected.”


“What!?” she snapped immediately. “What exactly am I looking at in their composition?”


“Apparently, six SDVs, two of each type.” said Schneider. “Remember Thebe?”


Shit. You better hope you’re ready.


“Yeah, I remember. What about it?” Schneider displayed the ship types on the CIC’s tactical information display, along with all the data about them. Reed’s face turned blank, and then began to display worry.


Not good. “Task Force 12…..shit….they were twelve of those SDVs the last time I fought. I see that they haven’t fully recovered.”


“Well, whatever it’s worth, we better get ready.” spoke Schneider, attempting to be cautious.


Obviously.


“Agreed” Ramirez nodded. He then looked out into the open void and muttered something in Spanish.


***
“Incoming!” Rec-Lt. Mann shouted as barrages of depleted uranium rounds began to slam into the UNSDV Sergei Korolev. The CIC shook violently and electronic sparks were everywhere. This was the second hit the SOV took after nearly four orbits around Thebe, and eleven rebel SOVs, three SDeVs, and a barrage of drones. Yet the rebels were relentless, as Mann’s heat sensors detected three retrofitted Glushko-class SOVs and at least


“Lieutenant!” Reed barked. “Damage report!”


“We’ve lost two of our NTRs, three of our coilguns and we’ve got reports of multiple reaches along HabModule 2, ma’am!”


“One more hit” Battle-Lt. Bodganov said. “And we are done for!”


“Not exactly, Lt. Bo-” Battle-Lt. Mann turned to her.


“Commander. We have a message coming from one of the SOVs. Audio only, ma’am”


“On speaker”


“Attention, Gaian spacecraft.” a male voice in his fourties said in Ganyrstrovian Russian. “This is Commander Yuri Mikhailovich Toparev of the BKK Drakon Smerti. Your spacecraft is under official control of the Ganyrstrovian Socialist Republic. Surrender now, and we may yet avoid bloodshed.”


Reed began to type into her console: Translate_Language: Ganyrstrovian_to_English. The same message went in again, this time in English.


Oh no. They want the craft, and it’s stronger than anything they have. Reed then leaned into her microphone.


“What are your terms, rebel?”


“Gaian, we want full control of the spacecraft. Unconditional surrender would be preferable.”


Wait a minute. Something’s not right.


“Lieutenant! Release the radiators!”


The Commander terminated the link with the rebel commander and opened a communications link to 2nd Lt. Chung’s quarters and said: “Lieutenant! Get your ass ready on the armoury and gear up. They are boarding!”


“Copy that” Lt. Chung told Reed as she rushed out the CIC and towards the armoury.


***


2nd Lt. Chung and his Espatiers stood ready by the airlock, aiming their Heckler & Koch VMP-4 SMGs towards it. The airlock opened, and as it did…...nothing. No enemy Espatiers entering, or bullets flying across the HabModule. Outside, they saw the whipple shields pierced up, and a seemingly empty void. Chung turned to one of his men.


“Private Johnson! Check the airlock and keep your eyes open.”


“Understood” The private began to push himself towards the airlock, slowly using his MMU to manoeuvre through the sections, as the spin habitat stopped spinning. As he exited the airlock, gunshots were heard, and then a barrage of submachine gun ammunition and shotgun shells rained on the corridor.


***


Reed was already in her MMU-equipped EVA suit when the spin habitat stopped spinning. A Remington RV-9 pistol and a few grenades were strapped to her suit’s belt, with the occasional combat axe strapped to her back. She had just finished refilling the suit’s oxygen tank.


When she floated away from the armoury, she heard radio chatter. The majority of it was static at first, but then Lt. Chung’s voice rang into her suit’s earphones, saying:


“They’re ever-!”


“Lieutenant! What’s going on down there?!”


“We’ve got- bogies appr- -sition! Reques- immedia-!”


Reed could hear muffled sound of the oxygen wheezing out of Lt. Chung’s suit in her earphones before turning them off.


Shit.


She began to float further away from the armoury and towards the airlock where Lt. Chung’s men are.


She passed by the habitat’s medical lab when three rebel Espatiers came in, one of them charging towards her with a knife. Reed fired a 9x19mm Parabellum into his helmet, then moved up with her MMU as the bleeding corpse leaned closer and closer. The other two fired their FN-Beretta VPM-97 submachine guns, raining bullets all over the place, with her being able to fire into one’s oxygen tank, and sliced the other’s arm off, then punctured his helmet.


She removed the axe from the corpse’s punctured helmet, and soon, men from Lt. Chung’s section appeared just as a squad of HC-300 robots began to surround Reed.


“Sergeant Kamarov? Where’s the Lieutenant?”


The Sergeant handed her Lt. Chung’s dog tags, covered in blood. She turned one of the dog tags around, then saw this engraved into it:


"The Universe is not benign nor hostile, only indifferent." - Carl Sagan


Reed felt like shedding a tear, but got herself back together.


“Sergeant. I need you to head for the engines. We can’t let the rebels take it.”


“As soon as everyone’s out, I need the antiprotons in the penning traps to be released. Understood?”


“Yes, ma’am.” Kamarov turned to the remaining Espatiers. “You heard the Commander! I need a squad with me to the engines. The rest of you are with her.”


“Yes sir!”


Kamarov and seven other Espatiers left with him, while the other two went with Reed. That was the last she ever saw of Kamarov, and the rest, as they say, is history….


***


Toparev stood surrounded by Svetilograd’s desolation with his home in front of him. The city was no longer the bustling commerce centre it used to be, and the streets were eerily empty of human life. There was nothing but the whispers, moans and Sergei’s voice being heard in the background:


“What are you fighting for?”


Toparev kept walking slowly towards his house, as Sergei’s voice kept repeating the same thing, over and over. He then opened the door to see a picture of Toparev in his uniform across the living room. He heard crying coming from one of the rooms.


He peeked through the door, and saw Natasha and the young Isidora mourning about something. He could not tell, but as soon as he did, the scene slid towards the marketplace, and he saw only horror, as he saw UNAPA troops rounding up civilians and executing them. He saw Natasha weeping next to Isidora, as they were rounded up.


He tried to utter “No!” but his voice could not be heard. Moments later, he could feel being a blow to his face, followed by gunshots.


It then transitioned to Carpo, where a spacecraft graveyard was and he noticed that he was scarred and without an EVA suit. He began to lose consciousness and he closed his eyes, gasping for air.


***


Toparev breathed heavily as he woke up, and began to look around. He then stepped out of the bed and moved to change to his uniform.


***


Toparev had entered the CIC when they the UNAPA Task Force started passing Carpo on their approach, as per the optimistic scenario planned 5 days ago, in the nick of time. They had only to approach from a certain angle, and once they are within range of the targeting computers, open fire. So, he and the rest are ready. He turned to Comm-Lt. Davidenko.


“Davidenko, where are they in their current trajectory?”


“Sir, the enemy is already making a pass by Carpo on their trajectory. Within the next two minutes, we will be making our manoeuvre.”


“Perfect.” Toparev then chuckled. He turned to Combat-Lt. Aliyev after transmitting via laser communications Davidenko’s findings.


Time to give those Gaians a fight.


“Aliyev! Deploy kinetic mines.”


“Understood, Commander!”


The kinetic mines were deployed into the trajectory UNAPA was going to take as they approached Carpo. Carpo was an uninhabited moon with little of note. It was three kilometres in diameter and they were a few dozen kilometres in distance relative to it, and by the time those mines were deployed, Task Force 12 was already in the process of conducting its approach.


Task Force 12 began conducting the manoeuvre, retracted the primary radiators, and their primary engines began to roar. In reality, these engines would not be heard in a vacuum, but the “roaring” was felt by the crew as the engines began their work. Of course, the manoeuvre took some time to complete with the primary engines, despite their deceleration having recently finished earlier, and then they began their approach.


***


Meanwhile, the UNSDV Beowulf had detected the manoeuvre and the craft, along with the rest of the Task Force’s SDVs prepared for combat and the SCVs were given the order to take evasive manoeuvres.


“Sir! We have incoming bogies and several mines on our trajectory.”


Damn it. We have to pick our vectors carefully, Commander.


Ramirez entered the CIC and turned to Schneider.


“Commander, status report.”


“We have a minefield and multiple enemies on approach.”


“Well then. If they want a fight, we can give ‘em one they will never leave alive.” Ramirez activated the craft’s radio transmitter.


“All craft, I have two orders: one, avoid those mines at all costs and two, ready your weapons…...” He awaited for the weapons to be within range of the computer systems. The computer gave the firing solution a few moments later as the rebels approached.


“….and FIRE!”


The coilguns in each SOV fired their kinetic slugs out the barrels and at a high speed, they were sent flying into the enemy.


***


“Incoming enemy fire!” Comm-Lt. Ivchenko said on the BKK Zhnets’ CIC as UNAPA fired its coilguns.


“All craft, launch 30 drones, 2 each hostile craft and RETURN FIRE!”


Task Force 12’s own kinetic slugs fired out the barrels and at high speed. However, the drones were also being launched, and they used their main stages, all gas core nuclear thermal engines, to accelerate in the direction of the enemy and change their trajectory.


The enemy drone carriers later on launched their drones and the two sides had their drones and kinetic slugs flying past them, with each side’s pilots trying their best to avoid damage or destruction.
***
After nearly 9 to 10 minutes, the drones began their approach, and depleted their main stage propellant. The fairings were separated, and the terminal attack stages were decoupled from the main stage. As they approached, the stages were within range of the SDeVs, which partially opened the combat mirrors and fired their lasers. They were fired at 20 km of distance from the approach of the stages and within seconds, many of those stages were destroyed and those that were not, slammed into the enemy craft, either directly or after a period of course corrections. When it did, though…..BOOM!
***
The alerts flashed on the tactical operations screen of the CIC, with the UNSDV Lazarus, the UNSCV Harry Truman, the UNSDV Shieldbearer, the UNSDV Nikolai Rhyzkov, the UNSDV Colossus and the UNSDV Robert Oppenheimer all physically obliterated by the sheer kinetic energy of a few simple tungsten rods. Ramirez, Schneider and Reed were all there in the bridge, the first who then spoke.


“All craft, casualty report.”


“Vice Marshall, we’ve lost at least 50% of our forces. We still have 2 SCVs left, but we’ve taken heavy losses.”


Damn it.


“Gentlemen, we have several mines incoming and a rebel Task Force closing in. I want all remaining craft to initiate evasive manoeuvres and fire all available weapons. Whatever you do, keep firing and do not stop for any reason other than friendly fire. Got it?”


“Understood Vice Marshall.”


The engines roared and the spacecraft began their combat manoeuvre, all while trying to avoid the mines ahead. And it was not easy trying to avoid those mines and maintain a good approach angle.
***
At the same time, the CIC aboard the BKK Drakon Smerti was flaring up with casualty reports, as the terminal attack stages released by hostile drones made sure that the damages could wipe out the BKK Zhnets, the BKK Ognennyy Shar and the BKK Adskyi Ogoni. The ECM and the SDeVs were able to keep them off, but things were not looking good.


“Sir! We’ve lost the BKK Zhnets.”


“Blyad!” Cdr. Toparev replied in frustration. He did not consider the circumstances, but given the craft is physically destroyed, the likely scenario was that the Lieutenant Marshall was either reduced to particles or is a floating corpse in the vacuum of space, surrounded by lethal shrapnel and space junk.


Well, that’s it! Time to clean house!


“Gentlemen?” He turned to the radio transmitter.


“This is Lt. Marshall Yuri Mikhailovich Toparev. I am currently taking command of the remaining craft of Task Force 12. I want all survivors to report.”


“BKK Sila Yupitera reporting.”


“BKK Ruka Svaroga, awaiting orders.”


“Then I have new orders”


“Sir! We’ve got multiple bogies beginning their attack run!” Toparev turned away from the radio transmitter for a few moments.


“Well, then…..” he turned back to the radio transmitter. “All craft, initiate combat manoeuvres and ready all weapons.” He then turned to the Vice Commander. “Savvin? The BKK Drakon Smerti is yours now—Commander.”


“Understood, Lieutenant Marshall.” Savvin responded with a crisp military salute.


“You can count on me to lead us out alive.”


“I trust you will, Commander. Now, contact the bridge in the Command Module. We need those engines running to engage the enemy. Lt. Aliyev, are we within range?”


“Yes, Commander. More specifically, we’re talking at a range of 15,000 km and getting closer. That’s the majority of the enemy craft, all SDVs, whereas the remaining SCVs and hostile Drone Carriers are attempting to stay behind.”


“Alright, good enough.” He began to give orders to the fleet. “All weapons, fire on my signal.”


The craft on both sides began their next approach, even with dozens of depleted uranium slugs of ammunition (with their shrapnel) being affected by the ECM systems while their engines roared in order to get a precise approach vector and then fire their volleys of ammunition. It took them some time, of course, as they approached a distance of 5,000 km relative to each other, they began to aim their coilguns at each other, and when they did, the barrages of ammunition began to be released from their coilguns, Over a period of four minutes, the two sides would begin to receive the opponent’s barrage of weapons fire, and their ECM systems and the SDeVs would do everything to keep them away from the craft. These slugs were a problem, especially when they used a shrapnel shell-type method.


***
The CIC aboard the UNSDV Beowulf began blaring up as casualty reports from other craft began coming in. The destruction of the UNSDV Leviathan, UNSDV Tartarus, UNSDV Allah’s Shield, and the UNSDV Gaia’s Protector were reported as they began to receive the enemy’s barrage of weapons fire. The rebels were approaching and they began to fly past their last SOV with a close approach of at least 980 metres. They then began slowly drifting away from the enemy.


“Well, that was close.” Battle-Lt. Al-Ahdal then turned to Cdr. Schneider. “We better prepare, Commander.”


“Good idea. We might have to worry about another attack run.”


“Sir! They are going for a strike run on the drone carriers and SCVs!”


After a period of thinking, Ramirez began barking orders. “All craft, turn around and initiate intercept course! Keep them away from the SCVs and our drone carriers!”

***
As Task Force 12 began approaching the SCVs and the Drone Carriers, the latter began launching the drones as they approached a distance of 30,000 km, and after a few minutes they were (narrowly) avoided, at the cost of the BKK Ruka Svaroga. As they approached and reached a distance of 14,000 km, they began to fire their volleys of munition at the carriers. However, because of the distance, they had to use their guidance stages. The drone carriers and SCVs began to conduct evasive manoeuvres, but it proved not to be enough as the coilguns opened fire and the depleted uranium slugs with their shrapnel tore them apart.


Toparev could only watch as the visuals caught on to the destruction of both craft and they began to shatter and break apart. The “explosions” were not really very fiery and the actual ones were actually occurring inside the pressurised modules and away from the sections near the vacuum. In other modules, it was simply them breaking like pieces of blocks falling down on someone, and before then, the two were reduced to space junk.


As they approached the 5,000 km range, they began to fire in a more clear direction, but the enemy was approaching. Toparev had to think and quickly.


“Sir. we have hostiles on high-speed approach to our position.”


“Lt. Marshall! We have two choices: engage the enemy on our tail and let the SCVs proceed to Callisto or we take out the SCVs and stop them for good.”






So it’s either sacrifice victory for Ganymede’s freedom or Ganymede’s freedom for victory.


Toparev then began thinking. After a few minutes, as the enemy got closer and closer, he had to make a choice: to die a hero or live a coward’s life. He then sighed and made his decision very clear.


“Gentlemen, fire all weapons at the enemy SCVs.”


“Understood. We’re likely gonna die for this, obviously, but it was honour to serve with you, Toparev.”


Toparev could only smile, and give the crew a sense of hope, as the enemy began to approach.


The BKK Drakon Smerti began to fire its volleys at the SCVs when they were 3,000 km from them. The craft then began to turn around with its RCS Thrusters and aim at the enemy. The coilguns began firing as the SCVs attempted their evasive manoeuvres. However, no ECM systems or point defence means they were vulnerable. As they began to take hits, they began to break apart and become space junk orbiting Jupiter, having achieved escape velocity from the tiny moon. The BKK Sila Yupitera attempted to stop the enemy’s barrages of depleted uranium rounds and their shrapnel, but even the BKK Sila Yupitera would not last long.
***
“Sir! The SCVs are gone!”


Ramirez muttered something angrily, as he turned to the radio transmitter.


“All craft, ready your weapons. If they win, we will make sure that they never enjoy their victory. Now, FIRE EVERYTHING!”


They began to fire their volleys of ammunition. 30 seconds later, the UNSDV Beowulf was gone.


***


The barrages of hostile munitions approached the BKK Drakon Smerti, and the ECM systems were beginning to become incapable of keeping up. As they approached within 2,000 km of the nearest hostile spacecraft, the CIC began to break apart, and the explosions began to occur within the HabModules. Within minutes, Toparev was no longer inside HabModule 1 but rapidly speeding away from the wreckage and into the vacuum. Within the 15 seconds of consciousness Toparev had, he did not panic, nor did he gasp for air in short bursts. He stared at the surface of Carpo with Jupiter behind it smiling calmly, feeling at peace as his consciousness faded and his systems stopped functioning. His vision went to black in that short period of time, and within 2 minutes, everything else stopped functioning. Before they knew it, this battlefield became the tomb of Task Force 12, but by then, they had left their mark in history.


Only the dead have seen the end of war.” - George Santayana

_____________________________________________________________________

And there we have it! Anything still needing a fix? Well, tell me!
Hard Science Fiction Cadet Author and Ready to Stomp Handwavium
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#2
*clock ticks in the background*
Hard Science Fiction Cadet Author and Ready to Stomp Handwavium
Reply
#3
It's a fairly long story and was only posted yesterday. I have other things in the pipeline and won't have time to look at this before the weekend, if then.

Will give it a read thru when I get the chance.

Patience, grasshopperWink

Todd
Reply
#4
(12-01-2016, 05:42 AM)Drashner1 Wrote: It's a fairly long story and was only posted yesterday. I have other things in the pipeline and won't have time to look at this before the weekend, if then.

Will give it a read thru when I get the chance.

Patience, grasshopperWink

Todd

Oh......er........oops. Big Grin
Hard Science Fiction Cadet Author and Ready to Stomp Handwavium
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#5
So, quick question - is there any particular reason why there is so much empty space after the end of the story?

I can fix it very easily, but wanted to make sure this wasn't a deliberate design choice on your part first.

Thanks!

Todd
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#6
So, I had a bit of time so started to take a look at the story. From an initial skim of the first sections, various points stood out for me:

a) You're still doing too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. Most of the story seems to consist of conversations or events that have virtually zero description of the surroundings in which they are taking place. Is it in a luxurious office? A cramped cubby? Over a comm-link? What do the characters look like? Do any of them have pictures of family on their desk? Etc.

Similarly, you tell us what the components of at least one of the spacecraft are, but don't really say much of anything about what the ship actually looks like.

In a nutshell, you need to include some description of the surrounding environment and important hardware.

b) You use lots and lots of acronyms and jargon without explanation (at least I didn't see any in my admittedly quick skim of the first part of the story). By the time I had read through the first section and a half of the story, I had been put in the position of wondering what (the hell) all of the following mean:

BKK
SOV
SDeV

Task Group, Constellation and Delta

Gaian

MMU

Etc.

Regarding the extensive use of initials - a good rule of thumb is to spell out the first instance of a given set of of these (possibly with the initials in parentheses immediately after it, but this isn't as common in fiction) and then use the initials from that point forward.

Regarding the jargon (and also the descriptions of things to some degree) - to create an interesting and engaging story you need to 'set the scene'. That can range from providing some backstory about just who and what the two groups in this story are, why they are fighting, and how they came to that fight in the first place to something as basic as a simple statement or two that instantly helps the reader create a mental picture about what is going on. To provide an example:

Here is what you wrote:

The BKK Drakon Smerti, and 5 other spacecraft: the BKK Ognennyy Shar, the BKK Zhnets, the BKK Adskyi Ogoni, the BKK Sila Yupitera, and the BKK Ruka Svaroga, had already been en route to Carpo for over 4 days when the planning of the actual battle was being reviewed onboard the BKK Drakon Smerti.

Here is a rough draft of something that is a bit more descriptive:

[b]Task Force 12 moved through the black of space like a school of sharks on a moonless night. The combination of stealth hulls and sheer distance from Sol made each blend almost seamlessly into the starlit void that surrounded them. With nothing nearby to lend perspective, the ships seemed to hang motionless in space, although in fact the entire Task Force was rushing toward its destination at a velocity measured in tens of kilometers per second.

With four days of flight already completed, and five more yet to go, the latest in a series of battle planning meetings convened aboard the flagship Drakon Smerti.
[/b]


Or something like that - you would still need to work in what BKK stands for, perhaps in the earlier section that gets this all started, and you could name the other craft in the Task Force in passing as the story progresses. Perhaps even as part of the discussion that takes place in the planning meeting. For example, you might have a character pull up a graphic showing the ships, and name them then. (e.g., 'Ok, we have a total of six vessels to work with. Besides the Drakon Smerti (or maybe just 'Smerti' if they are feeling familiar about their ship in conversation), we have the XXX, XXX, XXX, etc. How do we make the best use of these resources?'). Or something like.

As mentioned above, the main point is to 'set the scene' to help your reader (who doesn't know anything about what is going on) get a mental picture of how things look and what is going on.

Ok, out of time. Will post more as can.

Hope this helps,

Todd
Reply
#7
(12-01-2016, 02:59 PM)Drashner1 Wrote: So, I had a bit of time so started to take a look at the story. From an initial skim of the first sections, various points stood out for me:

a) You're still doing too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. Most of the story seems to consist of conversations or events that have virtually zero description of the surroundings in which they are taking place. Is it in a luxurious office? A cramped cubby? Over a comm-link? What do the characters look like? Do any of them have pictures of family on their desk? Etc.

Similarly, you tell us what the components of at least one of the spacecraft are, but don't really say much of anything about what the ship actually looks like.

In a nutshell, you need to include some description of the surrounding environment and important hardware.

b) You use lots and lots of acronyms and jargon without explanation (at least I didn't see any in my admittedly quick skim of the first part of the story). By the time I had read through the first section and a half of the story, I had been put in the position of wondering what (the hell) all of the following mean:

BKK
SOV
SDeV

Task Group, Constellation and Delta

Gaian

MMU

Etc.

Regarding the extensive use of initials - a good rule of thumb is to spell out the first instance of a given set of of these (possibly with the initials in parentheses immediately after it, but this isn't as common in fiction) and then use the initials from that point forward.

Regarding the jargon (and also the descriptions of things to some degree) - to create an interesting and engaging story you need to 'set the scene'. That can range from providing some backstory about just who and what the two groups in this story are, why they are fighting, and how they came to that fight in the first place to something as basic as a simple statement or two that instantly helps the reader create a mental picture about what is going on. To provide an example:

Here is what you wrote:

The BKK Drakon Smerti, and 5 other spacecraft: the BKK Ognennyy Shar, the BKK Zhnets, the BKK Adskyi Ogoni, the BKK Sila Yupitera, and the BKK Ruka Svaroga, had already been en route to Carpo for over 4 days when the planning of the actual battle was being reviewed onboard the BKK Drakon Smerti.

Here is a rough draft of something that is a bit more descriptive:

[b]Task Force 12 moved through the black of space like a school of sharks on a moonless night. The combination of stealth hulls and sheer distance from Sol made each blend almost seamlessly into the starlit void that surrounded them. With nothing nearby to lend perspective, the ships seemed to hang motionless in space, although in fact the entire Task Force was rushing toward its destination at a velocity measured in tens of kilometers per second.

With four days of flight already completed, and five more yet to go, the latest in a series of battle planning meetings convened aboard the flagship Drakon Smerti.
[/b]


Or something like that - you would still need to work in what BKK stands for, perhaps in the earlier section that gets this all started, and you could name the other craft in the Task Force in passing as the story progresses. Perhaps even as part of the discussion that takes place in the planning meeting. For example, you might have a character pull up a graphic showing the ships, and name them then. (e.g., 'Ok, we have a total of six vessels to work with. Besides the Drakon Smerti (or maybe just 'Smerti' if they are feeling familiar about their ship in conversation), we have the XXX, XXX, XXX, etc. How do we make the best use of these resources?'). Or something like.

As mentioned above, the main point is to 'set the scene' to help your reader (who doesn't know anything about what is going on) get a mental picture of how things look and what is going on.

Ok, out of time. Will post more as can.

Hope this helps,

Todd

Well, thank you! Hope this can help me and my friend.......... :/
Hard Science Fiction Cadet Author and Ready to Stomp Handwavium
Reply
#8
One technique you might use to provide your reader with background information (who the players are, why the conflict is going on, etc.) is to use a 'fake book'. Basically, the entire OA setting is more or less built on this via the EG (although this technique is used in many other SF stories, including the Polity Universe by Neal Asher (his How It Is excerpts, for example). In fact, some OA stories will use EG entries (either already existing, or created especially for the story) to provide background or introductory information at the start of a story or even at the start of each section/chapter/whatever.

For your story you might make up something like 'A Brief History of the Terran-Jovian War' or whatever sounds catchy and provides a title that would tie in with the backstory you want to inform your reader about. Then, at the start of the story, or maybe at the start of each section, you have a brief excerpt from the 'book'.

You can have a fair number of these 'excerpts' in your story, thereby providing background info, without having characters give long speeches, or generating lots and lots of 'in story' infodumps. Ok, it technically is in the 'story' but also a bit outside of it.

Hope this helps,

ToddSmile
Reply
#9
(12-02-2016, 12:14 PM)Drashner1 Wrote: One technique you might use to provide your reader with background information (who the players are, why the conflict is going on, etc.) is to use a 'fake book'. Basically, the entire OA setting is more or less built on this via the EG (although this technique is used in many other SF stories, including the Polity Universe by Neal Asher (his How It Is excerpts, for example). In fact, some OA stories will use EG entries (either already existing, or created especially for the story) to provide background or introductory information at the start of a story or even at the start of each section/chapter/whatever.

For your story you might make up something like 'A Brief History of the Terran-Jovian War' or whatever sounds catchy and provides a title that would tie in with the backstory you want to inform your reader about. Then, at the start of the story, or maybe at the start of each section, you have a brief excerpt from the 'book'.

You can have a fair number of these 'excerpts' in your story, thereby providing background info, without having characters give long speeches, or generating lots and lots of 'in story' infodumps. Ok, it technically is in the 'story' but also a bit outside of it.

Hope this helps,

ToddSmile

Well, that we tried in the first edition. Look how well that ended. Sad
Hard Science Fiction Cadet Author and Ready to Stomp Handwavium
Reply
#10
(12-03-2016, 09:06 AM)Ace009 Wrote: Well, that we tried in the first edition. Look how well that ended. Sad

It's been a while since you posted the earlier versions of the story to the forum, so I went back and took a look at them.

If you mean this version of the story and my response to it (in Post #3), I said that it was a good start, but that it still needed work. I did not say that it wasn't working or that it needed to be removed from the story.

I also then posted feedback on the rest of the story, but it doesn't appear that you responded to any of it, at least in that thread. If there is another thread where you did respond and I've just missed it, please point me at it.

EDIT: Something that might be helpful would be for you to post a brief summary of what this conflict is about and who the principle combatants are. That might help in putting together a fictional 'excerpt from a book' to introduce the story.

Thanks!

Todd
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